How to Cope with Criticism: 1. The Motives behind Criticism
Criticism is hard to take. When faced with criticism unawares,
our first reaction--usually--is getting defensive. Next may be
denial, thinking we are not guilty of what we are criticized
about. Then the feelings of anger at our critic and a
counterattack may follow. Worse yet, we may withdraw and become
despondent.
No matter what our internal or external reaction to criticism
may be initially, it is important to understand our critic's
intention, so his words do not hurt us or make us react in a
destructive way. Intention is the most important clue behind
anyone's behavior. Once the intention or the motive behind any
action is understood, an appropriate response is easier to come
up with.
Some of the motives of a person who criticizes may be negative.
After all, we are all human beings and most of us do carry
emotional baggage around. Then, we look for a convenient place
to unload, even if momentarily and at someone else's expense.
Let's take a look at the negative motives first.
Negative Motives are:
* To induce guilt inside the criticized person: The goal here
is to manipulate a person to do one thing or another by using
his guilt feelings.
* To get even: A person thinks we, knowingly or unknowingly,
hurt him, and he attacks through criticism to hurt us back. In
other words, he is in the punishment business.
* To be in control: The criticizing person wants to dominate or
enhance his power over us. He doesn't stop to listen to our
statement. He cuts our explanation in half and continues
criticizing our actions, ideas, or whatever it is he is
criticizing.
* To put us in a lower stature and show us--and to himself as
well--that he is the boss: In this case, the critic acts this
way from feelings of incompetence or lack of experience,
especially if he is in a new managerial position, to cover up
for whatever he thinks is lacking in him.
* To put down what's good in us, so what he has looks better:
This may hurt us the most because we may not be aware of his
offhand remarks or being criticized because the criticism here
is constant and is given in tiny bites. In time, this type of
criticism dampens our self-esteem and self-confidence and we end
up having to deal with diminished enthusiasm and personal power.
* To change us: This person is never content with what there is
unless he changes it in some way. Even if we are content with
who we are, he wants to change us anyway without a good reason.
Most of the time, this changer type starts in small ways just
like a put-downer, but the changer's behavior stems from trying
to organize something internal and needing change inside himself
rather than the person his criticism is directed at.
* To evade an issue by getting us off track: This type of a
person criticizes in order to cover up for something or to
divert attention from a negative inquiry about himself. This
type of behavior is called a politician's technique. When a
politician attacks the press for its ills, for example, the
press will be put in a defensive position and the attention on
the politician's shortcomings will be diverted.
* To undermine our success if we are in a better position than
him: This type of criticism comes suddenly, jokingly, and in a
low dose, so it isn't noticeable. It is aimed at lowering the
rate of success in another person.
* To get a laugh: Some people like to be the clown of the group,
and therefore, to maintain the attention on themselves. They
throw tiny criticisms around since imperfections are easy to
find in anyone. Usually this behavior is for releasing
aggression as well as for getting a laugh.
* To vent feelings: This type of criticism comes in outbursts
from a person who is letting off steam after a tiring experience
or being under great pressure. He doesn't necessarily mean bad
and understanding his frustrations would help in dealing with
his criticisms.
Positive Motives: It is more important to recognize positive
motives than to understand negative ones, because positive
motives help us grow. When criticism with a positive motive is
cast our way, first thing we may notice is the gentle delivery
of it. Granted, not everyone is well-versed in gentle delivery,
but we have to look to see if the criticism is inviting us to
improve in some way.
Positive motives are:
* To improve our performance: Without a good feedback, none of
us would be able to learn anything. Whether our work or our
actions are reviewed when we see the good pointers inside the
criticism, we know that this critic is trying to improve our
performance.
* To show his feelings, if we have, intentionally or
unintentionally, done something to hurt him: Especially in close
personal relationships, to tell of one's feelings is better than
to hide them inside. "Your behavior or your words frustrate me,"
may sound like a negative criticism especially during an
argument, but it is in fact a very positive statement, more
helpful to the relationship than holding the frustration inside.
We must recognize that the other person is letting us know how
our behavior affects them.
* To perk up a relationship: When someone outside of a
relationship tells gently and without accusations that what we
are doing is hurting the relationship, we must listen to what he
is saying. He is trying to improve our relationships.
* To show empathy and compassion: To solve our problems a person
may offer help by pointing out what we are doing wrong. This
type of criticism may be misunderstood as a negative intent by
someone who is trying to control us. We need to look carefully
at the delivery and the kindness of the criticism to distinguish
if the intent is positive or negative.
* To guard self-interest: The critic here is not trying to
belittle us but is trying to assert his rights, especially if we
are taking advantage of him. We know this because his words are
not hurtful and accusatory. For example: "I have already done
most of the yard work. Please help me. You might tape your show
and watch later."
The intent behind a criticism may not be what we may first feel
it is. We might mistakenly take a positive intent for a negative
one or vice versa. In either case, it is necessary to evaluate
the delivery of the criticism and try to see beyond what the
criticism may appear to be, so we may enjoy improved personal
growth and relationships and enhanced performance.
About the author:
Joy Cagil is an author on http://www.Writing.Com/ which is a
site for Writers. Her
education is in foreign languages and linguistics. She has also
been trained in psychology, mental health, and visual arts. Her
portfolio can be found at http://www.Writing.Com/authors/joycag
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